#253: In order to escape from prison...
Do you ever go through those seasons of life where you intellectually know how good you have it—but you can’t actually connect to the feeling state of appreciating it? Of being grateful for your good fortune? Of really and truly basking in it?
I’m asking because that’s where I’ve been this week.
We’re back in Hong Kong, and our life here—it’s bananas.
The level of support that parents have while raising wee ones in this city is next level.
And so I’m here. With all this space and freedom and potential.
But I’ve been feeling like garbage.
Knowing—knowing in my whirling, twirling monkey mind—just how good I have it.
But not feeling grateful. Not waking up in awe of my good fortune.
And before our parents read too much into this musing—my challenge isn’t that I don’t want to live here anymore. I didn’t come back from our trip to Florida thinking that I can’t raise baobao anywhere but the US (sorry!).
What I came back with was exhaustion. I don’t know if you’ve ever adjusted to a 12-hour time zone difference… with a four-month-old… who is probably experiencing her four-month sleep regression?
But it’s not super easy.
And the thing that needs to emerge in today’s musing is bemused acceptance.
Because the crazy thing that I did when we got back…
Was punish myself instead of being kind to myself.
My body shouted for rest. For sleep. For taking advantage of the time that we had childcare to catch some z’s.
But instead, I felt like I wasn’t allowed to do that—because I’d set an arbitrary “this week, I’m going to start working again” milestone in my mind.
And instead of being flexible…
Instead of adapting to the circumstances…
I persevered and pushed myself into misery.
Until I found myself unacceptably impatient with Winnie during a rough night and said enough is enough.
So yesterday, instead of working during my allotted time, I hibernated.
And wouldn’t you know it? Today I feel great.
And I’d love to get into all the ways that our society is failing humans who don’t have the chance to rest, but that would be jumbled and chaotic and isn’t right for today.
So instead, I’m going to end by suggesting that a lot of us live in a prison of our own making. We create these constraints. These arbitrary deadlines. These shoulds and musts and “I’ll die on this hill” absolutes.
Not because they’re necessary, but because we’ve been conditioned to believe that’s how we get ahead.
And I kinda sorta think it’s actually the opposite. These imaginary constraints are actually how we stay trapped. How we get stuck spinning our wheels instead of making meaningful progress.
But that’s just my two cents.
Wishing you freedom,
Keely
“In order to escape from prison, one must first understand that one is in prison.” Gurdjieff
Morning Musings is a delight-first writing practice where I wake up, put my fingers on the keyboard and see if any ideas want to play. The cherished humans who read these musings tend to see them as an invitation to slow down, have a virtual cup of coffee together, and contemplate the human experience. If you’d like to join our tribe, subscribe here: https://keelyc.substack.com/
